"If you really want something, reach out and grab it. That is what your hands are for after all..."

"Which is important? Your own happiness or the happiness of the one you love?"

"Those who give up without trying are the real fools."

-quotes from Hanbun no tsuki ga noboru sora

Labels: anime news, sentimentals

It's time for a transformation I say!

I shall work my very all since the future seems so dreary now. In order to change that I need a spell.

Transform myself! It's time for the lazy ass to change! Lift your butt up and get going lest the going gets you.

Can a lazy bum change into a workaholic?

We'll see...

Labels: diary, sentimentals

EEK.

It's coming! I'm going! I'm scared >.< I'm really scared.

But at the end of this treacherous journey, there lies my dream, faith, and hope.
Don't look down on me until you see what I can become.
I will put in my all in growing and maturing.
I want to become greater and better.
And even though you don't know me yet.

You will get to know me.

Be unafraid to catch your dreams lest they dissolve into thin air, leaving no trail behind.

Labels: diary, sentimentals

I'm sorry, Mr. Ng.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Wong.
I'm sorry, Mr. Lim.
I'm sorry, Mr. Teo.
I'm sorry, Mr. Iskandar.
I'm sorry, Mdm Sau.
I'm sorry, Nicholas.
I'm sorry, Javier.
I'm sorry, Si Hui.
I'm sorry, Benjamin.
I'm sorry, Jiamin.
I'm sorry, Isaac.
I'm sorry, Laura.
I'm sorry, Wei Ting.

I apologize to all the alumni too.

I failed. I couldn't do it. Couldn't make anyone proud of me.

To Nicholas Tan, I'm especially sorry.
Through all these times you've been with us. Taught us even though you could very well study for your A Levels. You've encouraged us. You've cared for us.

But I couldn't do anything to repay you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry. Sorry I couldn't get back the GWH for you. Sorry I couldn't even get a gold.

I don't know how to face you anymore.

To Mr. Ng and Mrs. Wong, I'm especially sorry too.

You loved us, cared for us, were concerned about us... But I couldn't reward your efforts. There is no GWH to give. Mr. Ng always scolded us before. But I know he was just concerned about us. He lost his sleep, always thinking about us and always making time to take us. He tried to teach us everything he knew. But why couldn't we become good enough? I'm sorry, Mr. Ng, I truly am. We have failed you. To Mrs. Wong, we couldn't give you the GWH even though you've stood by us. Everybody understands your love for this band and your love for all of us. We wanted to give you something in return for all the love and effort you put into us. We wanted to, but we failed.

I'm sorry to the both of you, really.

To all the alumnis, I don't know how to face you guys. We've ruined the DHSSB you created. We've brought it down to shambles. The GWH you've all worked so hard to achieve is now replaced by a mere silver. I am truly ashamed of myself. I am sorry. Really sorry...

I'm sorry to everybody who pinned high hopes on us.





There's no need to worry about me. I've fell and shed tears till my eyes run dry.

So now, it's time to climb back up. I want to climb even higher than before.





I hope Mr. Ng can give us another chance. Because we don't want to give up now. We want to continue this journey until we get the GWH. Please, give us another chance.

Senior High Band, I will definitely be a part of it.

Labels: diary, sentimentals

Confidence: Belief in oneself and one's capabilities; self -reliance; assurance.

I am on a mission to retrieve it.

Jingjie, remember the old times? When I was just a year one, a newbie with nobody teaching me the ropes, how did I feel? In the past, I messed up, and messed up, and messed up... but I didn't give up. In the past, I was never recognized. Always the one sitting in that lonely corner, always the incompetent one, always the one who was outshone. At first, I felt depression. I was crying all the time. But when the tears are no longer able to wash away the pain, they dry up and lighted a fire within me. At that moment, I was thinking...

Do I really want to stay like this forever?

I wanted Mr. Ng to look at me. I wanted him to tell me I was good. I wanted him to smile at me with that pride written all over his face. I wanted him to accept me. I wanted others to accept me. I wanted them to look up to me and say

"Wow, that is Jingjie."

So I worked, and worked, and worked. I went for band everyday, smiling. This week I couldn't play this part, but the next week, I could. I climbed and climbed, even though I barely noticed, because I wasn't there yet. Then one day he was shocked by my improvement and he said: "Whoa, what did you eat?"

He was smiling at me. He was proud of me. He saw me for the first time in so long. I was there in front of him.

I was so happy.





If I could do it then... why did I give up now?

...I forgot this, but now I found it back, all of it.

Even though everybody says, you're not doing this for anyone but yourself, I want to do this for Mr. Ng. I want him to be even more proud of me. I don't want him to regret ever thinking that I was good. I want him to think that I'm even better.

I've been telling everybody that I play badly but I've never done anything about it. Why?



This is not the farthest I can go yet. I will continue paving ahead of me.

Labels: diary, sentimentals

I need to try harder :/
if I want to become a game designer for square enix/character desinger for studio ghibli and be in charge of the final fantasy projects/Hayao Miyazaki films.

Why is it so hard to become an anti-procastinator? Let's be more pro-active in work!

Today, I didn't go for full band. Sorry, I'll try to make it up :(

square enix. final fantasy. game designer. studio ghibli. character designer. computing. dreams & wishes unfufilled. How hard can I push myself to? Where will be the next stop?

Labels: diary, sentimentals

I suddenly remembered about a short story I thought about a long time ago. So I've decided to pen it down lest I forget it forever.

.
.
.
.

"Go and take your bath now! And stop sitting in front of the computer for the whole day! It spoils your eyesight! Do you want to become like me in the future and can't see anything?!"

I could still remember my grandmother 's nagging from yesterday. But today, I'm standing here, twenty-four hours later, staring into a dark wooden coffin.

Her ancient face seemed to stare back at me even though her eyes were closed. Even with the excessive make-up, I could still notice the paleness and stiffness of her skin. My grandmother... in a coffin?!

I looked around, frantically, hoping to find someone who could explain the situation but then I saw my father sitting in a corner, his face ashen white. My father is a tough man, a masochist. But this time there were tears rolling down his face unstopped. He used to say "real men don't shed tears easily"... what happened to that?

My aunt was kneeling down beside father, howling in distress.
"Mother! Mother! How could you leave us so suddenly!" She weeped piteously, with every sob pulling at my heart.

Grandmother... is dead?

I finally understood. Grandmother is gone forever. Somehow, I felt sad. Why is that? I thought I hated my grandmother. I thought I wished she was gone. And now that she is gone, why am I feeling sad?

A blackout... and suddenly, I'm blinded by a flash of white light. I saw myself sitting in front of the computer as usual, listening to music casually. Is this a memory? I continued to watch this scene in silence.

My grandmother hobbled into the room slowly and sighed as she saw me.

"Dinner is ready! Go bathe and eat now!" She nagged irritably, shaking her head. I saw myself roll my eyes and ignore her. My grandmother stood there staring at me for a long time, before walking away with a sigh. I followed her, leaving "myself" behind. Grandmother entered the kitchen and scooped out a portion of the night's dinner. She kept the food in the thermo box an walked away again.

No wonder I always had warm dinners regardless of how late I ate.

Another flash of light. I'm now in the shopping mall near my house. The crowds hustled and bustled around as usual. I saw my grandmother in the midst of the people. She wore a worried look as she squinted around anxiously.

"Meimei!" She grabbed a stranger girl's arm with relief. The girl slapped her hand in disgust and snorted: "You're mistaken, let go!". She hurried away before my grandmother could say sorry. Once again, my grandmother squinted around anxiously. She was looking for me? I saw 'myself' pushing past the crowd now, making 'my' way to her.

"Ah ma! Where have you been?! Follow us closely!" 'I' said irritably as 'I' came up to her.
"Meimei! Sorry..." I felt a pang of regret as grandmother bit her lip and apologised. Only until now, did I see the tears welling up behind her glazed eyes as she held onto my hand. She swallowed hard, pushing the tears back in.

What have I done?

Now we were in the car. I could see my grandmother sitting at one and of the car and beside her, at the other end, was 'me'. My grandmother took a glance towards me and placed her hand on the seat just as 'I' did. Slowly, she inched her hand towards mine. 'I' was looking out of the window, ignoring her. She reached out to hold my hand, but hesitated and pulled back. I could see the sorrow in her eyes now. The sorrow of not being able to get close to her grandaughter.

How could I not have noticed?

It was night now. I'm at home. I could see myself lying in bed. Grandmother suddenly walks out of her room. I followed her to the ancestral table where the buddha statue stood. Violent coughing could be heard from my room. Isn't this the time when I got really sick? Grandmother looked towards my room with a worried face. She kneeled down in front of the buddha and prayed faithfully.

"Please let my grandaughter be well and I shall give up a few years of my life." She plead with tears in her eyes and kowtowed, and kowtowed, and kowtowed... until there was a slight bruise on her forehead. Then she silently stood up and returned into her room.

Another flash of white light. I'm back at the funeral hall.

A cold wind brushed past me and my face felt wet. I stooped over the coffin to have a last look, tears falling against onto the dark wood. My grandmother... is probably in heaven now. I prayed fervently for her and kneeled down. My tears turning to violent sobs now.

I'm sorry, Ah Ma, I'm sorry. I now know that I love you so much.

.
.
.
.
(end of story)

dedicated to my grandmother because I'll never have the courage to tell her that I love her and that I know all that she's done for me.

Labels: sentimentals, short stories

My inner mind state is like a stretching rubber bung now. Hmm, wonders when it will snap.



These days, emotions have overrun my mind. Maybe it's because of stress or whatever, but, not all the emotions are bad :D



I got an idea for a new story that I'd like to try writing when I have time while I was on the bus (:



Anyway, I've decided to try to buck up! I want to master credentium! And perfect my tuning! Even though I don't know if I will quit band or not in year five (since you never know the future), I want to at least leave without regrets. I don't want to leave a mess for my juniors to clean up and just cheer them on, pinning on them all the hopes I have for the band to get back up.



I want to leave behind a legacy :/



I know it's hard, so I hope I can at least pull through. Doesn't matter if we get a gold or not. Just as long as I did my very best :D

Found this on Bin's facebook! Hope I can regain my lao niang spirit! Aja Aja Fighting!

tag replies:

MR. KENGS// Of course you like my blog song! I have good taste, okay? Haha,
bass trombone taste :D

MS. SOPHS// YES, everybody kena influenced by me now. Even the seniors are
using MR. and MS :D Yay, little men and misses trombones!

MS. WENS// haha, I used to have dog phobia too! But I think they're too cute
to resist in the end :D

Rosy// YESH, okay, NANA! I linked you :D And of course my dog is cute! Cuter
than Bin's :D

BinBin// Are you sure?! You'd better start finding now then, I think you'll
take a long search :D

Labels: diary, sentimentals

Yeah man, I realized something after yesterday.

I'm a bitch, seriously.

Bitching about someone is extremely fun, especially about that someone. I don't know why but the things that you do, is stupidly and insanely funny. Well, I guess it's not good to talk behind someone's back so...

I shall start repenting now.
.
.
.
.
One second of repenting has been done.
.
.
.
.

Okay, I think I'm forgiven, right? At least I repented for one second :D I'm sure that's more than enough.

Okay! Ready for more bitching again!

Haha, anyway, had fun talking to everybody yesterday. It was so enjoyable...

Even though that ridiculous Auntie escaped without returning my beloved purple pencil, but still, it was a whole lot of fun.

I think I really bonded with my juniors yesterday :D It's these kind of things that make me feel more motivated for band. It makes me love my juniors more so I want to see them again soon! When's the next band practice man?

I've decided. I shall stay if my juniors do too! They're just too adorable to abandon, haha.

Realized that I haven't ever posted a picture of my Sora for you guys...

so here you go!



BUH-BYE!

Labels: diary, rambles, sentimentals

I don't how many times I have been saying this but...

Please help yourselves and help us.

At least give us a reason to work. If you don't work hard, we can't bring ourselves to do it either. If you tell me you're tired, I can say the same thing. At the very least, be willing, so that we can do our best to help you.

This is a challenge. And you have the responsibility to rise up to the occasion.

Please help us all. Be the hero, save everyone.

Our chance lies in your hands. Give us a chance and give yourself a chance too.

Labels: diary, rambles, sentimentals

Happy Belated New Year to everybody!

I'm kind of on a movie craze now, but I did do some homework! I swear :D

Today was yet another reflective day, and I got really touched by someone.

As I was baking new year pineapple tarts for you people with my mum, we starting talking... And I was telling her about band randomly. I somehow feel relief when I think about how I started in band.

I remember(and so does my mum remember) the days I spent crying at first. There was the "guides problem" and the loneliness of a newcomer. I remember grappling with the mere basics of my trombone playing as I sat at that lonely corner of the classroom, watching and envying the group of trombones sitting so far away. The strong and grand sounds of the trombone choir touched my heart and I kept trying my best, hoping I could be that good one day. I remember when Nicholas used to teach me and how I used to dislike him at first(no offence).

I still remember what he said once. "You don't compare my sound with yours. I played for three years and you are just starting."

It actually motivated me. At that moment, I really want to try my best to shake off that beginner label that branded me.

I remember the times when everyone was too busy preparing for SYF to care about me. The times when I feel lost because nobody taught me anything new. And I even remember when Mr Tan came to visit me once. I was so touched by him. I still remember what he said to me. Those words of encouragement, I will never forget.

Then it was during this lonely time, when the gods probably took pity of me and sent me light. The year ones came, four of them, four newbies, just like me. I remember how excited I was to teach them. I also remember how awkward it was at first. They were so hardworking and quiet and I had to keep thinking of jokes to tell them because there was nothing to break the ice with. Gradually, though I can't remember how, we grew closer and now they talk so much and are so intimate with me. They are like my children cause I taught them(not to act old or anything). Thank you, Keng Heng, Sophin, Wenlin and Chervelle. You probably didn't know but you brought new meaning to my boring band life.

Then everything started to get better. I started to improve and I started to get accepted. I remember the time when I grew so quickly that even Mr. Ng took notice.

"What did you eat?" I remember him teasing me during one rehearsal. Words like "The third stand is the most important, that's why I put you in bass trombone" lighted my heart ablaze with fire even though I knew that in his heart, I could never compare to that someone no matter what.

I'm thankful that I'm reminded of this today. I think I kind of forgot all this. Like I had buried it underneath the fighting and bitching I have done in the past year.

And just now, my mum told me this.

"Do you want us to come for your concert this year?" I was stunned.
"That day when we went to your senior's concert, dad asked me why I didn't come to watch you perform. He said I should support you." I could feel my tears welling up when I heard this.

Thank you, Dad, thank you, Mum. You've done so much for me by giving me support.

And once again, a very happy new year to you all. I wish for health and happiness for all my loved ones, family and friends.

Labels: diary, sentimentals

Thank god for family :D

Recently, all that pent up stressed finally found its solace. After I blurted out everything to my family I feel so relieved! And not to mention how glad I was to find that they are behind me all the way.

I shall try not to bow down to her anymore.

My whole family just keep telling me how I should stand up to her. Put her in her place or whatever. Even my mum said she's a bitch. Like can you believe that?!

MY MUM said the word BITCH. It's like weird and funny to hear her say that. Okay, maybe she didn't really say "bitch", but she said the chinese equivalent of it, me thinks.

Oh no, I shouldn't say "me thinks" anymore because it's what that head girl Harriet keeps saying in the movie "Wild Child". Just finished watching it and it's awesome! Somehow, I think the guy is quite the hottie :D Good thing the female lead is a prettyface or it would be so unfair.

I realise that I do prefer British accent to American. It sounds good, no? Like how they would say "scottish" as "scott-ish". That's like so cute... in a weird sense.

Anyway, tomorrow's band activity will be really tiring. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. I'M NOT FREE LABOUR!

I might just sue the band for child labour someday. It's killing me.

Labels: diary, sentimentals

Sometimes, I can't shake the feeling that I'm too easily influenced.

I could be dead sure about something for a moment and the next thing you know it, I doubt myself when someone tells me the opposite.

Like a river which flows into many directions, never knowing which one was the correct path. Would life be different for me if I didn't make those choices? I could believe this is the right way to go and when other people talk, I turn away towards the other direction.

Is that a good thing? Or a bad thing? It's as if the society conforms me. But then, I don't want to lose my sense of self. Will "I" fade away into nothingness?

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore -.-

Labels: diary, sentimentals

Did you ever wish you were another person, leading another life?

I just felt like that this evening.

I was walking down the road pretending to be another person again. Like I wasn't Zhong Jingjie. Wasn't a Singaporean. Wasn't a Dunmanian. Didn't play the trombone. Didn't live in Punggol. Didn't have a good friend turned bad. Didn't bitch about her after that.

And it's not like we all don't know what I'm talking about. But then again, I don't feel like Ms. Nice today and don't feel like doing that "Let's-put-on-big-fake-smileys-and-try-to-pretend-nothing-happened-although-we-all-know-the-world-changed"

Sometimes, it's so tiring doing something that you don't like. It's like reading a very hard book and trying even harder to make sense of those unidentifiable words that go on forever. Like trying to make any sense of why I'm even playing this game of pretend with you. Even when the whole world knows what the hell is going on.

Well, suck it up.
Because I can't put up this happy facade forever when I ain't no Elmo. And that's that.

Labels: diary, rambles, sentimentals

I love this song so much, I'm going to post the lyrics here so that I can sing it!


粉雪 Konayuki
-Remioromen.

konayuki mau kisetsu wa itsumo surechigai
hitogomi ni magiretemo onaji sora
miteru noni
kaze ni fukarete nitayou ni kogoeru noni

Season of snow powder always come
Although we are mixed up with a mass of people
we are looking on the same sky
Blown by the wind, and we are chilled by it

boku wa kimi no subete nado shittewa inai darou
soredemo ichiokunin kara kimi
wo mitsuketayo
konkyo wa naikedo honki de omotterunda

I may not know everything about you
Nevertheless, I've found you among 100 million of
people
There's no proof but I'm very serious of it

sasai na iiai mo nakute onaji jikan wo ikitenado ikenai
sunao ni narenai nara
yorokobi mo kanashimi mo munashiidake

It's impossible to live in the same time with no single quarrel
If we can't be honest, happiness and sadness are just meaningless

konayuki nee kokoro made shiroku somerareta nara
futari no kodoku wo wakeau
koto ga dekitano kai?

If the snow powder may whiten deep to our heart
Could we both share our loneliness?

boku wa kimi no kokoro ni mimi wo oshiatete
sono koe no suru hou e sutto
fukaku made
orite yukitai soko de mou ichido aou

I would press my ear near to your heart
And go down deep into the place where I hear that voice and meet you once again

wakari aitai nante uwabe
wo nadeteita nowa boku no hou
kimi no kajikanda
te mo nigiri
shimeru koto dakede tsunagatteitanoni

We want to understand each other
It's me who softly brush the surface
Just by tightly gripping your numb and cold hand
We are tied to each other

konayuki nee eien wo mae ni amarini moroku
zaratsuku asufaruto no ue shimi ni
natte yukuyo

Snow powder is too fragile
In front of us, keep on leaving stains on the rough asphalt forever

konayuki nee toki ni tayori naku kokoro wa yureru
soredemo boku wa kimi no
koto mamori tsuzuketai

Snow powder doesnot rely on time, moving our heart
Nevertheless, I'd still like to keep on protecting you

konayuki nee kokoro made shiroku somerareta nara
futari no kodoku wo
tsutsunde sora ni kaesu kara

If the snow powder may whiten deep to our heart
It will cover both our loneliness and return it to the sky...

粉雪舞う季節はいつもすれ違い
人ごみに紛れても同じ空見てるのに
風に吹かれて似たように凍えるのに
僕は君のすべてなど知ってはいないだろう
それでも一億人から君を見つけたよ
根拠はないけど本気で思ってるんだ
些細な言い合いもなくて同じ時間を生きてなどいけない
素直になれないなら喜びも悲しみも空しいだけ
僕は君の心に耳を押し当てて
その声のする方へすっと深くまで 降りてゆきたいそこでもう一度会おう
分かり合いたいなんて 上辺を撫でていた（なでていた）のは僕のほう
君の悴んだ（かじかんだ）手も握り閉めることだけで繋がってたのに
粉雪ねえ永遠を前にあまりに脆く
ざらつくアスファルトの上染みになってゆくよ
粉雪ねえ時に頼りなく心は揺れる
それでも僕は君のこと守り続けたい
粉雪ねえ心まで白く染められたなら
２人の孤独を包んで空に返すから

Labels: diary, rambles, sentimentals

One Litre of Tears has inspired me.

I won't say how much because I haave yet to feel the extent of its inspiration but at least it got me thinking.

Not about angsty things like death.
And it's no longer about the future that I had claimed to be oh-so-bleak.
It made me think about...

The present and what I should do about it.

I want to have a fufilling life. And I sort of envied Aya-chan in this sense. Her life though short, was fufilling and impactful. My life is just one heck of lazyness. I obviously want to find my goal in life but before I do, I want to do something about this one heck of lazyness. Because I realised that if I don't change now, by the time I found my goal in life, I might not be able to strive towards it anymore.

I feel that lazyness will take hold of me. Slowly, but surely, it will make me lose my will, like it already had.

I want to learn to work hard. I want to learn to be responsible. I want to learn to persevere. I want to learn to be serious.

But sometimes, I find myself, making all these resolutions to be better but in the end forgetting all of them as if they were just a dream.

I hate saying "It's okay to do badly this year because it's not so important yet. I will do better next year because next year, it's important" to myself. They are just excuses. Empty words with no truth within.

I realised that I might not be able to work hard and strive for next year as much as I'd wish to. Lazyness is taking over me like a drug addiction. And it's hard quitting slacking like it's hard quitting smoking. The toxic is spreading over me, I can feel it.

And I want to change. I want to stop the addiction. I want to become the better person that I always dreamed of.

I know the road ahead is full of thorns and rocks that will slow me down and trip me. And I know that this might just be another resolution to forget later. But I've made it a point to try my best to endure and to remember whenever I can. "1リットルの涙" will remind me of my pormise to myself.

I promised myself, that I will try my best to work hard.

And I don't want to betray even myself by breaking that promise. At least, I want to stay true to myself. I want to show the world that even I, can keep a promise to myself.

がんばっていきまっしょい, Jayちゃん!

Labels: diary, sentimentals

Was tempted to write another story. Maybe this could unveil my part of the story to you.




Falling raindrops never fail to make me think of you.

That day, the teardrops rolling down your cheeks looked exactly like that.

Pitter-patter, down they fall, crashing against my window. And they sounded like your breaking heart.

Down, down and down they fell.

And all that's left is another puddle of bitter memories.


Of the past, all I could see was you and I, together forever.

Every morning, I would jostle through the commuters, weaving patterns in the crowds as I rushed up the escalator. I would be anxious as the MRT door closes, but you would always be there, smiling at me. I smiled fervently back.

Afternoons were filled with gossip over canteen lunch. Such good memories, and I'm not talking about the food. Just me and you, enjoying the afternoon breeze and later complaining about how difficult it is to eat with your hair flying all over the place.

Evenings passed with long walks home after our CCA, hand in hand, fatigue became a forgotten story left for another time to tell. But at that moment, we had but ourselves. And we talked of dreams and how we were to accomplish them together.

Then, it changed. Or rather, the both of us changed. And neither of us willing to admit it.

You were pretty, rich and popular. The girls adored you and the guys loved you.
You were always in the spotlight, standing proud on the stage, knowing you belonged there in front of everybody and amongst their cheers.

I was just plain old Jane who didn't care to change. I kept my hair short to save the trouble and didn't consent to braces even though my teeth looked like they were knocked crooked with a giant steel hammer. The girls found me irritating and the guys make fun of me. I was always backstage, looking at you, even envying you.

The stage curtain, though only so thin and fragile, sepearted me from you and without noticing, both of us grew into our own worlds. I blended into mine and you stood out in yours.

The world is amazing because it always changes. This story of mine is amazing because we kept changing.

I remember at first how we fought against the barrier between us. I tried to blend into your world and you tried to stand out in mine. But alas, things were not meant to be. It was like placing an ugly pebble in the midst of shining pearls and like throwing a ten-carat diamond in with a pile of rubbish. Slowly, the barrier became a wall and the wall became a gap as wide as the universe. Both of us were trying so hard, but we ended up on the edges of this very gap, where one wrong move can cause you to lose footing and fall down, down, and down.

Then you said, you never wanted to change the way you are. You wanted to be you. It may sound wise to say that but underneath all that, I could see no point. To me, that's how the world is. The world doesn't accept individuals. It functions as a society where no man is an island. You can't expect the world or the society to change for you so you can fit in. The only way to survive is to change yourself for the society and the world's acceptance. When you said you never wanted to change, I grieved for your foolishness.

Your act of folly pushed both of us down the edge and into the gap that we have created ourselves. We began to fall. Both of us wondering when we shall see the end of this gigantic hole that has swallowed us and break into pieces from the crash.

I wondered, is it my fault that it has to become this way? Am I the true antagonist of this tragedy? Is it my cruelty that will prevent me from saving the both of us? You pressed me for a response but I refused to utter a word. Anymore said will kill us both in an instant, that I knew.

Oh Sarah, you fool. I loved you so much before, so it hurts so much now, but still I cannot comprehend you. You are such a mysterious animal that functions in such a way that I could never make any meaning out of. When I thought you would be angry in an instant and confront me, you choose to encourage our being together even though we were always trapped in awkward silences.

Cliche or not, I have to say this. Because I love you, I'm letting you go. Should you stay longer by my side, my dislike for you shall escalate ever more and it shall form so sharp a blade that will be then employed to slice your heart until it bleeds to death. And my cruelty will change me until I can only smirk as I see you writhing in agony. Then my consicence will proceed to kill me just like how I killed you.

I loved you and I'm letting go.

PS: Goodbye to you, my trusted friend. From Jane, to Sarah. With a dozen broken hearts that loved before.

Labels: sentimentals, short stories

To speak or not to speak, that is the question.

I remember holding your hand,
thinking, that it would be this way forever.

But change is the only constant.

Now, I've grown tired of holding your hand.
As the journey goes on, I watch you trip.
You didn't bother getting up,
You didn't want to help yourself.
And I'm tired from dragging you all around.
My hands grow weary.
And even though I've let go,
You're the one who's clutching onto my hand.

When thoughts of betrayal arise,
Guilt follows behind, gnawing at my conscience.
I begin to doubt myself.
Is it because I am not pulling hard enough?
Is it because I didn't help you up?
Or maybe even, I had grown to enjoy watching you fall?

I understand the feeling of being left behind all too well.
The emptiness that one must feel,
The heartache that one must endure,
The bitterness that one must suffer from
And most important, the feeling of betrayal.
I know, for I had once felt so.

So I hesitate when the realisation hits me.
Having been relieved of this pain and heartache,
I am now ready to entrust this burden upon you.
Is this cruelty? Or heartlessness?
I know, it's both.

I know it must be hard on you
as it is on us.
But I beg of you, please bless us with the gift of time,
For time is known to be the most efficient healer.
Perhaps distance will increase our desire for friendship
Like how closeness made our dislike boil into detest.

Let it rest now,
When I am still able to think of your pains and be perplexed.
Let it rest now,
Before the only thing I can conjure of you is disgust.
Leave it be, leave it be, leave it be.

Labels: diary, sentimentals

tag replies.

janyearone// o.o okay, so you are...?

rumeng// rumeng is retarded. end of story.

moch// miss you loads too :D loves moch!

secone// is this the same person as janyearone? haha, im from nan chiau
:D

binx2// whoa this is like the pot calling the kettle black. you should get
some rest yourself, buddy, and stop mugging to one a.m. in the morning
everyday.

jy// randomness. go read your new book luh.

Labels: diary, rambles, sentimentals

the daily musings of theGAYJAY.

sometimes we may look back and find good things from the past,
.
.
.
.
but to find better things, you can only look to the future.

Labels: diary, rambles, sentimentals

Zhong Jingjie :D
angsty sixteen :/
DHSSB. bass trombone >:D
f • b

{♥}to do my best in everything ♥
{♥}slap her & her !
{♥}get 3.4 GPA and above :/
{♥}stop losing hair!
{♥}new wallet
{♥}new phone with decent camera
{♥}shopping!
{♥}total makeover :D
{♥}more tiggers!
{♥}learn to play the french horn!
{♥}be a guitarist!
{♥}grow up :D

6A'05 :D
Bernice :D
BingYu :D
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JiaYu :D
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DHSSB- trombones :D
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BinBin :D
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Elizabeth :D
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SuMei :D
Theresa :D
TongWei :D
TzyyShuan :D
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threeEncore!
Yaxin :D
Bryan :D
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Edric :D
Iris :D
Laura :D
Nyein Nyein :D

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